 Decentralization will not be implemented in the way that it was originally envisaged, statements made by The Taoiseach Bertie Ahern and Taniste Mary Harney, suggest. As has been widely reported, Mr. Ahern now admits that certain state agencies, such as the Probation Service, cannot now be decentralized. However, despite the credibility gap, the Government is adamant that it will press ahead with the rest of the plan as detailed on the back of an envelope by then Minister of Finance, Charlie McGreevey, 15 minutes before he was due to read his budget speech in 2003.
In a desperate attempt to cope with the increasing pressure the Government is now going to take a much more radical step. To placate those civil servants belly aching about the cultural backwardness of their proposed new locations they’ve decided to not only relocate Government Departments and State Agencies to small towns around the country, but to also relocate the cultural institutions that they claim to be so fond of. Starting from September 2006 the Abbey, The National Concert Hall and most controversially, the Dublin Spire on O’Connell Street are going to be shipped out to the sticks.
The minority of civil servants who are willing to move with their departments to far flung corners of the country, like Newcastle West or Knock Airport are often flighty newly married couples with little cultural depth. To them a housing estate is a housing estate is a housing estate and culture doesn’t usually extend beyond the 27 inches of their flat screened telly. However, the majority of those determined to remain have deep cultural roots, which are firmly encased in Dublin concrete.
During a vox poll conducted by RTE radio over the weekend, it became apparent that most of those who were reluctance to leave Dublin often cited their relative proximity to major cultural institutions, like the National Concert Hall, as a major reason for their dissent.
Meeting in a windowless back room off The Taoiseach office several of the key decentralization players convened to thrash out the new plan on Sunday evening which had been dreamt up by one of the Governmental instigators during the omnibus edition of Eastenders.
Unofficial sources close to the planners acknowledged that the reasons given by a significant tier of the civil service for not wanting to move are hard to argue against.
“It’s difficult, if not impossible to budge a senior civil servant when his or her partner is deeply involved in their own career”, the source said, “equally, moving could be problematic if your children are teenagers or young adults who have just started college in the Dublin, or perhaps have a young family of their own. There is little we can do about these things.” the source told Dublin Opinion this morning. “However, if the objection is based on their fondness for the Arts, well there’s IS something we can do about that, seeing as the Government funds these institutions”.
Initial plans seen by Dublin Opinion show that rather than paying out a shedload of Euros to locate The Abbey in Dublin’s Docklands that the government should rather relocate our National Theatre to Sligo town.
“This makes perfect sense”, said the unnamed officially, “considering the history of the Theatre”. The Abbey was founded by William Butler Yeats, who although born in Sandymount, Dublin had a strong affinity with the Western County.
The plan also includes moving the National Concert Hall to Wexford. “Oh they love their Opera down there”, the source said, after he had his tongue loosened with the help of some liquor provided in a 6oz leather hip flask. “Sure don’t they have a festival and everything? Why keep it for two weeks of the year when they can have it all year round. That would make the Evening Wear brigade in the Service who are supposed to relocate with the Department of Finance very happy. Everyone else in the country - apart from these silk scarf wearing aficionados - hates Opera, so it’s a good idea to shove it down there where no one else can come upon it by accident”.
The most controversial idea, however, is the plan to move the Dublin Spire from it’s historic location on the site of the demolished Nelson’s Column on O’Connell Street to the mainstreet of Longford town. It is imagined that any controversy could be easily weathered as half of the population of Dublin claim to have hated since it was first erected in 2002.
Also on the cards is the relocation of the popular music venue Vicar Street to Limerick. This caused a robust debate when the issues of renaming the venue came up. Some argued that it might be worthwhile renaming the street on which the venue would be relocated, to Vicar Street, while others thought that renaming the venue would be more appropriate. Finally it was agreed that once the move was complete that the music venue would be called O’Connell Street.
Objections that moving these institutions would have devastating effects on their annual attendance figures were met with blank stares. “Sure we pour money in these places when they’re in Dublin and still no one turns up” one member of the decentralization team is reported as saying. “Moving the Abbey to Sligo might actually increase the attendance figures for a while” said another, “it would allow the professional class a chance to dress up in their finery and pop along to an ol’ John B. play without having to drive all the way to Dublin to do so”.
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