?

We can blame the Brits for this, I suppose. There's a whole universe of academic studies that put the Irish inferiority complex down to centuries of colonial governance. It's just that, what with the fourth post-independence generation toddling off to the crèche in mommy's SUV it's hard to equate that self-loathing with the present-day economic reality. Yet in the past week we had two shining examples of how much we hate ourselves and how we want to have that self-loathing reflected in our national ambitions.

Let's start with the seemingly innocuous FAI and Steve Staunton. First of all, could you picture any national football association anywhere in the world stating for the record that it intends to write off completely all ambitions for competitive qualification until 2010? And to prove that it was serious, it goes ahead and hires a manager with no managerial experience? That manager then proves his worth by gaining ONE point out of a possible NINE for a competition that the football association has already said it has no intention of participating in. The manager keeps his job and the fans and the public accept it as 'well, it's a learning curve for him.'

In the same week, two opinion polls show an increase for support for Bertie Ahern AFTER it was shown that he took over £60,000 from businessmen and property developers in the early 1990s - money he then kept in cash in his house. Oh, he was minister for finance at the time. Bertie said that his separation left him penniless - although it is impossible to substantiate this as the Taoiseach has refused to hand over the financial details of his separation to the tribunal. The public lap it up, pat him on the back, and say 'well fair play to yeah.' Support for the Taoiseach rises by 1% while Fianna Fáil support rises by 8%. The same public is meanwhile living in rabbit hutches in glorified trailer parks that have sprung up in the past fifteen years in a riot of bad planning and, in some cases, downright corruption - the majority of cases of which have involved not Bertie Ahern but the party he leads, the main recipient of the 8% surge.

There is no way on God's earth that Bertie Ahern would have received a 'whip-around' of £60,000 where it not for the fact that he was the most senior government minister at the time - the man who controlled the nation's purse strings and, more importantly, doled out the finances for the other departments to pursue policy, or not as the case may be It is unbelievable that Bertie Ahern can say that his separation left him penniless when it so obviously did not - I mean, in the end his friends paid for the separation, not him. Yet, he goes on to national TV and plays the Poor Mouth and it goddamn works.

Similarly, the FAI can turn around and say that we're crap so he hired a crap manager and the public lap it up. The national squad is there to help Steve Staunton become not a better manager, but a manager. He gets this multi-million pound toy to play with and when he breaks it no-one minds because it's a 'learning curve' for him.

Bertie Ahern gains £60,000 through his position as finance minister and again the 'fair play' crowd is out putting up posters and telling us all to shut-up and get on with it.

In both cases in Ireland - national football manager and minister for finance - the national needs are there to serve the individual and not the other way around. The public interest is there to serve the public servant. The ambitions of the public servant supersede those of the public they serve. Steve Staunton gets to put 'manager' on his CV, and Bertie gets to have 'whip-arounds' held in his honour.

Ladies and Gentlemen, this is not the way to do business. It is not the way to run a national squad, and it's not the way to run a cabinet. The Irish people see it as wrong, but accept it all the same. No ambition. No drive. No sense of self-worth.

Can I suggest a new national flag for Ireland? It would involve the island of Ireland lying on all fours while getting f**ked in the ass by Richie Kavanagh wearing a strap-on Irish breakfast roll. It seems to be the way for us to feel good about ourselves. Now shut up and pay that mortgage.