IRELAND’S UNEMPLOYED TO RECEIVE FREE TONY ROBBINS BOOK AND ‘DONT STOP BELIEVING’ RINGTONE UNDER NEW GET POSITIVE INITIATIVE
Jul 21st, 2010 by Conor McCabe
In a speech made at a business meeting of the Dublin Rotary Club last night, the Tánaiste Mary Coughlan said that the government had developed a new plan to get the economy working again.
‘There is too much negativity around these days’ she said, ‘and this needs to be nipped in the bud right away.’
‘That’s why we’ve decided to issue the latest book by esteemed motivational-speaker, Tony Robbins, to every one of the 435,000 people on the Live Register. The book was especially commissioned by the government and it’s called Potato Soup for the Soul. The demotivated will be able to pick up their free copy when they sign on next month.’
‘We have also secured a deal with ’80s stadium rock band, Journey, in which every resident will be able to download a ringtone version of their classic hit, Don’t Stop Believing. We feel that the combined effect of millions of phones all playing such an uplifting tune will have a positive result for the economy.’
When questioned, the Tánaiste said that the ringtone will be of the original song, and not the Glee version as that one’s “a bit shite.” “it’s an overrated show anyway’ , she added.
In other news the ESRI has said that it has exhausted its yearly allocation of cow blood and chicken heads which it uses when making predictions about the future.
“Normally a pint or two will do us, but we’ve had to increase that since the start of the year.”
When asked how much they would need, John Fitzgerald replied, ‘fuckin buckets.’
If they published and distributed free at every dole office a cheap home made soup recipe booklet entitled Grass and Nettle Soup for your soul-destroyed Beer Belly the government might regain a few points in the opinion polls. And a free packet of red lentils in lieu of the Christmas bonus.
Jesus, you had me there all the way to Journey.
I was going to call the book, Take a Big Dump in Lake You, but I might save that for the sequel.
Nice.
What is it about the name ‘Tony’ and charlatanism ???
Although dammit Batman this New Age/past the best before date Souperism might just work…
PS Conor it’s ‘Tánaiste’ - I think our Mary’s movie star looks ( :-> ) have shortcircuited your source’s spellchecker
Cheers Seán I’ve changed it. The Táinaiste spelling shows how much cattle is on my mind these days.