I AM THE GREATEST
Aug 25th, 2009 by Conor McCabe
I’ve already posted about The Courier (1988), possibly the worst Irish film of all time. However, what I neglected to mention was the tiny role I play in the movie.
About 40 minutes in, the main character is dropping off a package to a video editor. The video he is working on is ‘Burn Clear’ by Something Happens. Now I was at the shoot for this video, along with a group of my friends. It was held in the Baggot Inn I think one Sunday afternoon in 1987, and as far as we knew it was just a video shoot. We didn’t know anything about bloody couriers - although I was in a band at the time called The Wrycatchers - I was the drummer, and yes I’ve heard them all - and we had a song called “Motorbike boy” which is sort of related, but only in an Alex Jones Illuminati kind of way. The song, by the way, was a hate-song to couriers, which included the wonderful couplet “I see you in traction / oh such satisfaction”.
Anyway, as the video guy is editing the footage, a clip pops up where you can see the back of my head. As you can expect, I dined out on that story for fucking weeks.
The Courier has a litany of bit-part players. Possibly the most shocking - and for all the wrong reasons - is contained in the clip below. It’s a scene where eponymous is getting rat-arsed in a sleazy bar in downtown Dublin. The cabaret for the night is Toni, Exotic Dancer, and, well, how can I explain Toni? It’s not easy, I have to say.
Toni was a large-chested housewife from Tallaght, who used to “dance” in the Lower Deck in Portobello on Sunday mornings before the holy hour. she had other slots as well, but the image of a forty-something housewife from Tallaght flashing her tits on a Sunday morning to a packed-pub of pissed-up Dubs is the one that really scarred me, you know? Her act used to cough up all the usual holy ruccus, and at one point even Gay Byrne got involved and interviewed her on the Late Late Show.
And if you think I’m exaggerating, well, have a look for yourself. You have been warned.
Enjoy.
Oh me good Jaysus (sez he still shuddering) After the likes of that Allies almost looks like ‘entertainment’… (Toni, I meanz)
Must say - wer it not for your Photoshop wizardry - I would’ve missed the back of yer head - plus had to stick 40 mins of the film to get to it too.
Am currently looking for the phone no of that lawyer out of the Simpsons to serve you a writ about quoting Wrycatchers lyrics…
Speaking of panned 80s Dublin filums - is there any sign of PIGS up on that dodgy Russian site ??
A new genre perhaps Conor? Diddysploitation? I’m not curating that museum though…..
Diddysploitation.
There’s a copy of “Pigs” in the Irish Film Archive, but I haven’t seen it anywhere else.
And yes, Seán, it is shuddering.
Ah go on Donal, we can’t find anyone else….
well nobody else with a clean criminal record….
or that didn’t have her as his praisht’s housewife…
or both…
The National Museum of Mammary Performance Art
Ah go on…
Meant ‘praisht’s housekeeper’ of course…
My typing is still in a state of shock…
Oh go on then….and we can get Maire Geoghan Quinn in to launch the “bingo wings” ehm…wing.
Hold on - big problem - are we sure we can find a vacant premises in Central Dublin big enough to hang a replica of Toni’s tasteful see-through top in ??
Since when is Bingo a ‘Mammary Performance Art’ Donal ?
Youse must’ve had strange bingo halls up there in D9 back in the day.
Vote Yes to Lisbon or Toni comes back…